Mythologie des Alltags: Die Nachrichtensender haben jetzt beschlossen ihre Sprecher nach Sachgebieten einzusetzen

Marc Bator und Jens Riewa = Schifffahrt
Laura Dünnwald = Natur und Umwelt
Anja Chalet = Hochbau und Immobilien
Joachim Hütte = Vorstadtprobleme
Patricia Schäfer = Haus und Herde
Jan Hofer und Klaus Feldmann = ums Haus
Jo Brauner, und Udo van Kampen =Tourismus
Ina Bergmann, Gabi Bauer = Rohstoffe
Wilhelm Wieben, Klaus Kleber, Hans Dieter Poschner = verarbeitendes Gewerbe
Eva Herman = Sex & Genderfragen
Werner Veigel, Johannes B. Kerner = Obstbau
Petra Gerster, Susanne Daubner, Sandra Maischberger und Reinhold Beckmann = flüssige und feste Getreideprodukte
Kristin Otto = Motorsport
Maibritt Illner = Gesundheit
Edmund Stoiber = neuer Korrespondent bei der Dakar-Rallye
Werner Sonne in halbjährlichem Wechsel mit Sarah Winter = Wetter
na und? da kräht doch kein Hahne danach

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Daily mythology: The White Sea

Some time ago I reported, that the Black Sea had been arrested. In spite of its name it dared to be blue! (but blue is the color of the AKP-flag). In contrary, the Yellow Sea has been praised (ampul), even more the Mediterranean (AK-deniz): it was honored by the PM himself with the name ”White Sea”. Atlantic and Pacific Oceans are in contrary booed for their marginality. Especially the Pacific (”for sure named by the international interest-lobby”) was blamed for its title (out! war is in!)
Our Prime-minister made a surprise visit to America. He took the honor-name of ”Crazy Water” from the tribe of Standing-Men (a sub tribe of the Firewater-Dakotas) not only for these oceanities, but for his management of water-cannons too.

Daily mythology: Praising Atheism

Atheists are mainly gentle and friendly, but even the awful ones don’t run in the streets killing other people, just because a newspaper published some cartoons about atheism. Atheists don’t shoot rockets, they even don’t know how to provide them. Atheists are rarely adoring Krishnamurti, they don’t see any equality between flesh – or sexuality – and the devil . They don’t pray to elephants, though they like Ganesh. Atheists never burnt witches nor bitches, just because they couldn’t manage their own libido. Atheists never try to convince others. After a period of grace of one second they are even allowed to turn religious. Atheists love the missionary position, even if they know others. Atheists love Biergardens and Sausages, even if they have the taste of vegetable couscous too. Atheists remain good sports, even if their own team looses. Atheists love Sundays, even if they know, that the feast of Corpus Christi is a fake done by the pope. Atheists have no home, but they recognize each other by the ironic eye wrinkles……

Atheists wear corkscrew-curls only if they like it and complain away of wailing walls. They don’t smash tablets of stone and they try not to do too much damage, even without the ten commandments. They don’t act literally but follow their own thinking. They don’t need a promise of kingdom-come, even if their bank account on this side could contain more. They don’t need smells and bells, with frankincense they only disinfect the air. They reign with skepticism. Sometimes their smile is devilish. They love animals and spareribs, are disgusted from sacrifices. They work on evolution.

Atheists are to criticize too

Don’t stand in awe of them now, they have their weaknesses and faults too. They are a little bit bossy and assertive. They fight like mad against stupidity and yet they didn’t achieve much in that matter. They preach the minima moralia and they wonder if in spite of them everybody is running after the next rat-catcher. They love semidarkness (of church-naves?), they love to rumour even as children of Enlightenment. Careless they still BELIEVE (“I believe the train-station is over there!”). They love to stare at the ass of nuns or underneath monks frocks. But of course for them evolution don’t sucks.

Daily mythology: Minibars

In midst the Windian Ocean we find the archipelago of Minibars. On the main island is the central training facility for weathermen. Minibars has a majority of female inhabitants. Not to be astonished about: women cope much better with sensitivity to changes in the weather, though they are handicapped by the new law stating the obligation to wear mini-skirts. Women with fat legs consequently stay at home. But weathermen should logically be called weatherwomen!
In all the hotels of the archipelago it became a habit to put a small refrigerator with some drinks into the rooms. It became a rite to call that thing “minibar” all over the world
On the Minibars the field elevation is nil. In addition the agency Fitch menaces to downgrade the archipelago. By the logic of these facts we soon will only be able to visit the islands diving with oxygen bottles. Because movements under water are much slower consequently we apply for an extension of our airtime!

Mythologie des Alltags: Kızıstan (aus: Geographisches)

In diesem Land ist fast alles umgekehrt wie bei uns, nur die Flüsse fliessen auch ins Meer, aber sonst…..
Manche Leute stecken mit dem Kopf in der Erde und strecken die Glieder gen Himmel, manche Bäume laufen auf ihren Blättern herum und strecken die Wurzeln gen Himmel.
Die meisten Frauen arbeiten, viele sind hoch auf der Karriereleiter angesiedelt, zu Hause kocht der Ehemann Erbsensuppe, bügelt, wäscht, putzt und zieht die Kinder gross. Im Allgemeinen wird der Ehemann als persönlicher Besitz betrachtet und eher wie ein Möbelstück behandelt. Abends und nachts trauen sich die meisten Männer aus Furcht, belästigt oder misshandelt zu werden, nicht mehr auf die Strasse.
Es ist üblich, dass die Frau vor der Hochzeit ihren Auserwählten durch ein Schlüsselloch nackt sieht, hauptsächlich geht es darum, festzustellen, ob auch keine Erektionsschwierigkeiten da sind. Ob genug Haare auf der Brust wachsen, konnte schon vorher in der Badeanstalt gecheckt werden.
Bei der Hochzeitsfeier wird dann niemals “Polonaise Blankenese” getanzt. Will jemand wem anderen an die Titten, so macht er’s, ohne davon zu singen.
Die Daddelautomaten zeigen keine Pin-Up-Girls in Neonlichtfarben, auch würde niemand auf die Idee kommen, Stecker und Steckdose mit dem Geschlechtsakt zu assoziieren.
Tauben und Mäuse sind sehr gefährlich, Löwen und Leoparden dagegen sanft wie Lämmer.
Gelesen wird nicht. Man wirft sich die Bücher an den Kopf und wird dadurch mit derer Konsistenz vertraut gemacht.
Die Regierung kümmert sich um die Sorgen und Nöte des Volkes. Kein Minister würde sich bestechen lassen….
In der Kirche wird Gott mit seinen Aufgaben der nächsten Woche vertraut gemacht. Der aber hört es nicht, denn er ist in Frankreich und mümmelt Gänseleber.

Mythologie des Alltags: Möbelnamen

Heute warn wir bei einem nordischen Möbelhaus und haben eine BücherWAND gekauft! Wie immer bei der Gelegenheit dachte ich – und ich sah es ja vor mir – man müsste auch der Wohnungsausstattung Namen geben. Diesmal sei es versucht: Bett = Malm, Nachttisch = Flört, Matratzen = Ingolf und Bobbin, Laken = Behaga, Kopfkissen = Dickhals,  Decke = Hemmes, Nachthemd = Verhyll, Wecker = Nervnet, Nachttopf = Leck, Spiegel = Akne, Stiefelknecht = Sör, Aschenbecher = Hyst, Waschbecken = Godmorgen, Klo = Arşvoll, Kreativecke = Flygel, Portemonnaie = Skuld, Rollator = Krippel, etc….

Daily mythology: Venice

Do you know how Venice was founded? Well, a long time ago people on the Adriatic coast were constantly stepping into wasp-nests, and, getting tired of stings they decided to build a city on the blue lagoon in front of them. There were no yellow jackets there on the water. People took big trunks and rammed them into the ground and built their houses, palaces and churches upon them, beginning from Rialto (“riva alta” = “high coast”), and additionally they needed boats instead of chariots and cars.
The city grew fast, but what to do with sewages? Soon the blue lagoon turned green, because along the popular saying “With or without bliss/ everybody has to piss” they peed into the water……
What about the wasps? They couldn’t found a new city. If they could, they would perhaps name it Waspington.

venice

Another myth is the following: When Attila (German: Etzel) and his Huns invaded North Italy the Veneti (a tribe) fled to the lagoon and founded a new city. The horse-people couldn’t get there. In this context the etymology of “Venetia” is interesting: The name comes from the Indo-European root “wen” = love (etymology for tourists), but in same time “Venetus” means “sea-blue”, “venire” “to come”. It seemed that the first migrants screamed “veni etiam!”, “yet I have come!”, while the invaders on the shore sang “Mama told me not to come”.
Venice never coped with horses (except those on the roof of St.Marcus, but they are stolen from Constantinople). The Roman empire was founded by land-troops (Objection! Scipio Africanus). The Phoenician or Carthaginian extended their power with ships (Objection! Hannibal’s elephants) Do you know other land- or sea-powers? (But that would be another story)
Venice’s power came from ships. The “horse-people” riding their way from east to west – remember Cengis-Kahn, remember Süleyman besieging Vienna – didn’t like to go to sea. In fact first (and maybe only? let’s ask the British) the Turks found the synthesis: They marched through the Balkans, in same time admirals like Barbaros, Turgut Reis or Piri Reis crossed the seas….